Short Stories From A Lover and A Loser: Part 3
The Power of Ugly
Pretty girls never know better. They have spent their entire lives in a world where they are socially accepted, and they are who society compares everyone else to. This leads to frictionless lives, in which they are treated the best, given the most consideration, and not expected to make up for the space they occupy. They do not know what they have, and they do not appreciate it.
Ugly girls live everyday both invisible and scrutinized. When someone goes from ugly to pretty, they feel the difference. They feel the shift in social power alone. They have more power now, as conventionally beautiful people, and they actually appreciate it because before this, every day, every look in mirror, every interaction with someone was hell. Ugly girls know it could be worse, so they make the most of it and are grateful to be better than they were. That is why girls that go through that glow up are 100 times more confident than people that have been beautiful their whole lives. We know what we have, and we will do anything to make sure we never feel the way we did before, again.
Most people hate high school. And I am sure I would have too, if I had not been bulimic. Being beautiful was the best thing that could have happened to me. Suddenly, I was in a new place, with people who did not know who I had been, and I had the freedom to decide who I was. As a beautiful girl, I found it very easy to approach people and make friends. Not only was I popular, but I was actually well liked by everybody. Well, except the girls that were jealous of me. It did not take me long to realize that this new found confidence could be used on the opposite sex. For the first time in my life, boys were paying attention to me.
My first boyfriend in high school was a good one. His name was Dreher, and he had already graduated. I met him at a football game. We met because the older girls I lived with were friends with his group of friends. He was no longer in school, but he had just graduated-so he was always around. He was the epitome of cool, not only because he was older, but because he had that swag- the swag only leaders have. Cool and confident, charming, and funny without being mean- everyone liked him. I liked how sweet and funny he was, and he doted on me, even before we were together.
We saw each other whenever we could, and I think I just liked spending time with him because he paid attention to me, and his friends were so much fun. I knew he was older, but I was there for adventure and I was loving the new attention I was getting. Looking back on our relationship, I appreciate how innocent it was. We mostly texted or spoke on the phone, our dates were never alone, and we mostly saw each other at the library, where I would read and he would pretend to. It was sweet, and almost like a middle school fling looking back on it. I think we were both lonely, we never fought, and our relationship never got physical. But I realized quite soon, I did not like him as more than a friend. I did not know him and he did not know the real me. I was just having a good time, and once I realized that I got really bored. Dreher and I’s relationship was a 2-month affair, and while it did not end well at that time, we are still friends to this day and I consider him to be a very good man.
When I broke up with him, he was not in agreement, but I did not care. Although it was my first break up, I felt fine. And I wondered why I was not eating ice cream and threatening to jump out my dorm window. His friends that went to my school would give me dirty looks, and talk about me when I walked by. I felt the tension, and from what I heard, he was very hurt by the break up. But I was fine, in fact I felt free and happy. I was confused, because I knew that a few years ago I would have killed for a boyfriend like Dreher.
The difference was, although I was content, and this person did treat me right, being in a relationship was not what made me happy. And because I had spent years being alone, rejected, and unhappy- I was not afraid of being alone. And I certainly was not going to stay with someone if I wasn’t 100% content. And thus, with Dreher I began the cycle of falling to fast, and falling out even faster. As soon as I was unhappy, or unsatisfied I was out like a light, no regrets, and no looking back.
I had not realized it yet, but I drew my pleasure, my happiness, my power- from being desired. I liked the chase, I adored being adored, and I relished being wanted. And as soon as you are in a committed relationship all of that slowly dissipates. I also learned that, most importantly, I loved the superficial relationship happiness- the kind of happiness where you can put on a mask and pass it off as your face. And although, I did not realize this with Dreher, it did not take me long to figure it out.
