What is more valuable love or friendship?

We, as a society, have been brainwashed. We have been conditioned to believe that if it is not money or success that one pursues, then the ultimate goal in life is to find someone to love. And while it is beautiful and natural to want that love with someone, this notion has tainted what we see as valuable. I'm sure you all have heard the saying that men and women cannot be friends, not really. This idea has been widely accepted, and thanks to romantic comedies, cheesy teen-bait TV shows, and YA novels, this type of connection has become a lusted after fantasy. We crave the drama, the suspense, the initial reluctance, but as a society we always pray for the moment the couple gives in. We breath a sigh of relief, because finally they are together- as they were meant to be. Love must always conquer all, feelings are more important, giving in to our desires makes us human and beautiful, right? Let me tell you a story. Try not to picture or guess the ending. Try not to hope, try not to root.

I was in the math offices at my college with my friend David, it was a little past 8 pm and we hear an alarm go off. We look around, confused, as it seems we are the only ones in the room. "There is someone under the table," David says, and I look. "Why is there someone asleep under the table?" I say. "Oh that's just Him," says David matter-of-factly.  "Am I supposed to know who that is?" I hiss at David, trying to keep quiet as the stranger sleeps. David points to the top of a poster on the wall that has a pyramid, where the chess players are ranked by points (no seriously). I saw, right at the top of the pyramid there was a post it with the name HIM. "He's really cool," David smiles at me. I frown. "Okay," I shrug. Who cares, I think. "Wake up!" I yell. My legs flail, as I try to kick him awake, being the mischievous Aries that I am. "Mmmmm," he grumbles sleepily, "thank you for waking me up." He flashes a boyish grin my way and I instantly die inside a little. "Hey David," he yawns, and they begin a discussion about math or something. "I have to go to class,"I roll my eyes at David. "Hey, don't leave," David looks to me than to Him, "I would walk you but he is here." I wave as he shrugs apologetically. Over the next few days, I saw Him. It is like when you never notice someone until you notice them and then you see them everywhere. I kind of just looked at Him for a while. I didn't know what to make of Him. He had olive colored skin, black brown hair, a 6 ft tall frame, and kind eyes. Everybody seemed to want Him around. He was extremely good at chess, from the literal crowds that would gather (I wish I was joking) around Him while he was playing. He was king of the nerds.

I was speaking to a professor about my job, when Him asks if they are hiring. I say that I don't know but I can ask, and he gives me his number and tells me to text him. I save it, and I have Him pick his emojis. He picks an Arab boy, a dolphin, and a fire emoji. "I like dolphins," he smiles. This was spring semester. I never texted him. I got busy over break, and just never got around to it. It's day one, Fall semester and I walk into the math offices. I see Him playing chess, but I do not say hi. I remember that I did not text Him at all over break. I shrug it off and sit down. I'm taking a buzzfeed quiz when I hear Him say "Hey". I look up and say "Hey" hoping that he totally forgot he told me to text him. "So thanks for never texting me." He laughs the words out, rather loudly for my taste. "Sorry I got super busy and I just forgot," I smile at him. He rolls his eyes and walks back to the chess board. I am taken aback by his need to confront me over something so trivial in front of so many people. I look at him from across the room, he is back to focusing on his chess game. David walks in and I am relieved. When we decide to go get lunch I make haste towards the door when, to my dismay David invites Him. This is going to be awkward, I think. At lunch I tease David about setting David up with someone, as David has never had a girlfriend. I remember saying, "David do you have a girlfriend?" and David replying, quite defeatedley, "I have no money." Him and I looked at each other with mutual grins and laughed together. Looking back, I think this is the moment we became friends. One day David and I went to lunch with Him again. I've grown quite fond of Him, at this point. Him is very funny, and my sense of humor meshes rather well with his. We are in a deep discussion about whether astrology is "wack" or not. Everything is an argument with Him. Quickly gathering that Him gets annoyed when I put him in a category with his sun sign, I begin to say things like "That is such a Cancer thing to say," or "you would say that, you're a cancer," after everything he says. This perturbs him to no end and I cannot help but laugh at how ridiculously serious Him is. Red in the face, he begins to explain what a pseudoscience is. "I know what that is," I say, "I am not an idiot." I make my best hurt face and look Him straight in the eye. He searches my face for any sign of redemption. I burst into laughter and it spreads to David and Him. Him looks up at me and says,"Are you ever serious about anything?" I remember throwing a fry at him.

We spent more and more time together as the semester went on, and eventually we were closer than David and I were. One day Him asked if I would get a room at the library with him. I obliged, and when we finally got our room I am informed that Him has to study for an anthropology exam. "So why did you ask me to come hang out with you, if you aren't going to hang out with me?" His brow furrows. "I just wanted to hang out with you," he shrugged. I told him it was cool and I had my laptop so I just did some light web browsing. It took me a minute to admit to myself that I was pleased. It was just Him and me, in a room at the library, nobody else. I could ask Him things, I could bond with Him. But why? I asked myself, was I so pleased. It scared me to think about it in the moment. As I drew breath to ask Him a question, he blurted out,"Ugh so this girl asked me to prom," he scratches his nose. "Prom?" I test the words. "I can't go to prom, first of all I am too old. Secondly I think she likes me so I don't want to give her the wrong idea." he looks serious. "That's very noble of you," I roll my eyes at him,"but I would kill to go to prom again, I had so much fun at prom,” I said. His brow furrows as he launches into a rant about grinding and how dances lead to sex and bad judgement. I cannot help but love how Him is somehow a conservative old man and a charismatic boy all at the same time. He asks about my own prom experiences and I launch into one of my many prom stories. I liked how he laughed at my jokes, I felt safe and like I could be myself around him. I left Him there to study after a while. I said goodbye feeling happy to have a friend so seemingly grounded, and grateful for our time alone.

Him and I got to talking and we both found out that New Girl was one of our favorite shows. Him suggested we should watch it together, and I agreed. I told Him he could come to my house, mostly because I knew I would not be able to go to his house. I wanted friends, good friends, the type you see in movies, or tv shows so I was excited to hang out somewhere other than school. When Him arrived he asked for a towel so he could pray. Conservative or not, I like how he practiced his religion, and fit it into his everyday life. We got to watching New Girl and Him mentioned how hot CeCe was, and I said I agreed but if I were a guy I would probably fall for Jess. Him said he hated Jess, he hated how annoyingly quirky she is. "But she's hot," he explains, "so I guess it doesn't matter." I hit him with a pillow "You men!" I say accusingly. He grins and says " I don't care how hot CeCe is. I prefer someone who is a good person, someone I vibe with, you know?" I roll my eyes at Him, "But it doesn't hurt if she's hot, does it?" I raise an eyebrow at Him. "No it does not," he laughs and I sigh. I loved laughing with Him, he looked so carefree and happy. It was such a stark contrast with the super conservative Muslim Him that cannot even kiss a girl before marriage because it is fundamentally wrong. But I admired that about Him, especially because he stuck to his beliefs at our age, at this point in time, where not following rules is much easier, and even encouraged. I couldn't for the life of me put my finger on it but there was something we both understood in the moment. I don't know, we were both just so comfortable with each other.

One day Him was taking me to a Halal burger place. This was basically the only way we could go out to eat together. For those of you who do not happen to be Muslim adjacent, they prefer to eat Halal food. Halal food is that which adheres to Islamic law, as defined in the Koran. Anyway, he gets a milkshake and a burger, I get a cheeseburger. The food was good but at times the conversation stalled a bit, I think maybe because we are so different. It was not super awkward or anything- our desire to be friends was there. I allowed Him his rants, and listened intently. He entertained my trifles about people we knew, and my gossiping. He even got in on some gossip at one point. "Mr. Perfect Angel, gossiping?" I teased Him. He shook his head at me in faux disgust, "Not me, I'm just saying" he sighed.We were talking about Niko, a friend of his and acquaintance of mine from school. "He's a dick period," I said judge, jury, and executioner. He smiled at me, a hint of amusement in his eye,"Well that's it, I guess." He laughed and then took on a more serious tone. "He is not a bad guy, just a player," Him said, and I know he meant it. He was not one to judge, at least he tried not to, and I believed Him. "It's just not right to mess around with people, its a waste of time and energy, and then you'll break up with them anyway." "And it's definitely not cool, to mess around with someone that's all up in their feelings for you. That's what I meant," Him said as he took a bite. I crossed my arms, my petulance showing. I found myself envious of his ability to use tact and decorum in a way my bluntness had never allowed me to. He was calm, kind, and good.

Did you hope? Did you root? Did you guess what might happen? Even if you did not hope or root, I am sure I had you wanting to know how it all ended. This story was shaping up to be a typical romance between friends. It had all the makings, an opposites attract angle, mysterious but lovable male character, special stolen moments between the characters. Great to read, and let me tell you, even greater to live. I'll tell you what happened. There were a few heads on shoulders, breakdowns, heart to hearts, drama, face touches, secrets spilled, and body proximity closeness. I did develop feelings for Him, but I never expected anything to come of it because I knew, despite my feelings, what I felt we had was so pure and so special that anything past friendship would taint it. It would be ruined. On top of that Him never liked me, or I assume so I never asked. It went against my personality, because I am the shit or get off the pot type of person, and in the past I have initiated most of my relationships because I go after what I want. But I just knew this was not the same situation. We were of completely different cultures, religions, fundamental ideas, and histories. I knew that this was not meant to be more no matter how I felt or how he acted. And it was not easy. I was brainwashed. I had watched twilight like 20 times beginning to end, I wanted Felicity to end up with Noel AND Ben, I was a sucker for the drama and forbidden romance. I had to fight my feelings and fight the inclination to pursue the drama, the heartbreak, or whatever other sad ending would come of the pursuit of forbidden love. And it was hard. It was so hard to fight those feelings, it was hard not knowing, it was hard trying not to analyze every, hug, every gaze, every time he put his head on my shoulder. But I did. And once I accepted that what I wanted more than anything was to keep Him as a friend, it was not hard at all. In fact, those feelings turned into a a deep admiration. An appreciation for how beautiful I found Him. And it came with the realization that, when I did decide to pursue someone in a romantic way, they would be even better than Him. And that was not bashing Him, it is simply stating that not everyone you meet and like is meant for you. So keep this in mind friends, no you do not have to end up in some dramatic romance, love does not always conquer all, and sometimes friendship can be more rewarding and fulfilling than a romantic relationship.

“The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, [...] or at least, most minds are...” 

-Professor Severus Snape