THERAPY: Calling Out My Ex's

Any woman or man that has dated knows one thing: most people are TRASH. Yes, the sad truth is that most of the people we date will not be diamonds in the rough, but simple TRASH. And what sucks about this is that by the time we figure out these people are garbage, we have wasted some of our good time and energy on them. Now, I have had my fair share of trash ex's, and while none ever treated me horribly, there was a point where I had to admit that these guys I was dating were pure trash. Not only for my own sanity, but to get over the whole situation as well.  But, being in my feelings lately (I watched 13 Reasons Why in one go and am drowning in The Handmaids Tale) I have been thinking of my ex's. And rather than try and shove those memories back down my fat gullet, I think it best that I try and confront the reality of these past relationship in order to get over them. My version of therapy is calling out my ex's for being trash, at least while we were together and a little after as well. Again, there are two sides to every story, and here is mine.

Shea

• You, as a high school sophomore, did not know how to correctly spell morning.
• Yes, I understand Psych was a good show, but saying it was better than Law and Order Special Victims Unit was PSYCHotic.
• Did you really hate cats or did cats hate you?
• If you wanted to remain a loner, why date an Aries?
• You called me your tonic, and said you could not share me, but when you love someone you know you cannot own them.
• You were such a little bitch that you let me ex boyfriend who was still trying to win me back sit with us at lunch and you did not say a damn thing.
• The fashion police called me several times while we were together begging me to shave that semi-bowl cut off your head.

Devin

• You should not be posting about fat acceptance being a bad thing, but whatever.
• When we first started dating your own brother said you were weird and that I could do better.
• You claim you are different and hate on anything main stream, but it is actually a sad attempt to look cool and gain acceptance from others. 
• You put me down for wanting to go to college and be successful in life, yet here I am debt free and you're making loan payments for your trade school that had you working at Qdoba, but okay.
• You claim to listen to hardcore metal but your favorite band is Avenged Sevenfold, cute.
• You looked down on me for being a straight edge. 
• You are an escapist, nothing is ever your fault. 
• I think you are incapable of saying anything nice about the person you are with.
• You are cold and love to kick people when they are down.
• I will stop here because I already went off on Devin in another post and it is like beating a dead horse at this point. 

Jake

• Jake, you were actually not that bad, but you did have your flaws.
• You are a Gemini and if I had known that all of this could have been avoided.
• Your brother and I were a better match.
• At one point you tried to make me jealous with some pointless jar of mayonnaise and I remember thinking that she could have you. 
• I liked your mom more than I liked you, and stayed as long as I did for her. Marion, if you are reading this, it is not too late.  

Chris 

• You were a follower and a coward.
• You were fake as hell with your problems, projecting the image of a perfect family with a perfect life to every single one of your friends.
• You drank-a lot- to cope with your problems.
• You were the worst type of people pleaser.
• You have low self-esteem and low self worth 
• You wrongly pour your heart and soul into the people you are with and when they do not live up to your expectations you are on to the next, I feel sorry for the jar of mayonnaise you marry. 
• You are immature and naive in a way only white privilege can make you. 
• You are in the worst type of identity crisis and I hope you get over that.
• You are the worst type of user. 
• Your whole family is racist.

Brian

• You were a really sweet boy Brian, and I am sorry we did not work out. 
• You were super fun to be around and very warm.
• I loved your hugs.
• I disappeared on you because I could see you wanted more than I did and I apologize. 
• It makes me so happy you and Mary Catherine are thriving and happy, you are two of the best people I know. 

Now, I know this is a lot to take in, and some of you will say this is a bash post- but like I said before, it is my truth that I needed  to tell. This is my therapy, and I needed to get this stuff off my chest. I recognize that I am far from the perfect partner, in fact Devin says I am Satan on earth. So here is a list for me, hopefully this levels the playing field.

Monique

• I know what I want and will not let anything get in my way.
• I am very moody and petulant when I do not get my way.
• I am a California 5.
• I am blunt to the point of hurtfulness.
• I am unforgiving.
• I am a control freak.
• I am a germophobe. 
• I am selfish at times.
• I have a very short temper.
• I do not entertain people I do not like. 
• I can wear out anyone if I get too excited about something. 
• I have high highs and low lows.
• I expect a lot from people. 

Well, there you have it friends. Thank you for helping me with this therapy session, I feel so much better! Although most of these guys sound just awful- and a lot of them were- I do acknowledge that at one point we did get a long and I am sure they will be good for someone else. If any of you are reading this, I hope I did not hurt you too badly. Except you Chris. You are trash. I'll leave you with a quote:

"He’s going to be sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past, forget the pain and remember what an incredible woman you are."- Drake