Scrutinize Before You Idealize
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| Credit: Fox Searchlight |
Take for instance, my years in a Minnesota boarding school program. I tend to yearn for the days of high school, when I was able to run away from my family drama and my past life in California. I could be whoever I wanted to be and nobody would know better. I was not some poor girl whose dad was a gang member, mom was bipolar, and lived in a mobile home park. I was Monique, one of the popular girls who lived in the ABC house. I had so many friends at school, and I loved being in a new environment. But these memories are idealized versions of what really happened. Yes, I loved my time in Minnesota, but it was so hard. Yes, I got to escape my family problems and live in the ABC house. But the person in charge of the program was abusive, and was embezzling funds, so most of us went without. We were woken up at 4 am most Saturdays to do hours of door to door 'fundraising'. We were not allowed to go out with friends, or have our own money, and when our parents would send us anything it would be taken from us and split among the house. Our phone calls were monitored, and our house mom was verbally abusive. We were not even allowed to celebrate our birthdays. I got punished for a month once because I lit a candle and sang happy birthday to my roommate. Punishment included no phone calls to parents, loss of living room privileges, and extra chores. Those may not seem bad but when they have already taken so many of your freedoms any little thing taken away is devastating. We were popular at school, and we had a lot of really good friends. But looking back I am sure we were all the 'token' colored friends for some of these kids. We were cool because we were exotic and new, most of these kids had known each other their whole lives, it was a small town after all. I did experience ignorant and racist comments from students and teachers. It was not all sunshine and rainbows. And yet I fondly think back to that time constantly.
Idealizing is when you regard or represent something or someone as perfect or better than in reality. I do this with people as well. Most of the time it is when I am going through something and I start feeling my depression. Before my fiance and I got together, I was in a very dark place. I was lonely because I realized I had never truly let anyone in. I felt that out of all the people who had ever told me they loved me, none of them could mean it, because they did not know the real me. I know a lot of people probably look back at some of their past relationships and idealize their past partners. And while it is normal it is not healthy. For example, my first real boyfriend ever, who I was on and off with for about 7 years is someone who up until recently I would idealize. When I got sick of him I would break up with him, and then I would miss him and idealize him and get back with him. Eventually I would remember why we were trash together and I would break up with him again, and in a few months the cycle would go on and on. This went on for 7 years! All because I was letting myself fall into the trap of idealizing someone that was far from perfect. To show you just how bad this idealization was, here is an excerpt from a short story I wrote about him for my school literary magazine:
"My red was statuesque, yet not frigid. He was not of Zeus. He had soft ivory clear skin, titian hair, tall, full red lips, and a wide smile. His large working hands had a soft touch, his voice was both despairing and blithe. When he laughed his short breathy laugh, his eyes would sparkle like shards of emerald ice. I could see his mind working behind that dreamy gaze of his."
Dramatics aside, those are some really tough expectations to live up to. I mean, this was idealization to the highest degree. And that was while we were together. What helped me stop doing this, and it might sound cheesy, was making a list of reasons why the relationship was bad. Not attacking him on a personal level per se, but just acknowledging that he was not perfect. This was the list I came up with:
- Loved the idea of me
- Confused devotion and obsession
- Never really got to know me below the surface level
- Low self worth, self esteem
- Brooding and dramatic
- Did not want to even try to be social with my friends
- Smug about others taste in anything that contradicted his
- Always negative and depressive
- He takes things way too personal
- Very clingy
- Very negative towards my outgoing social parts of my personality
- My confidence threatened him
- Merely acted saintly and selfless
- Did not practice what he preached
- Denied what he did to contribute to our break ups
- Loved to villainize me
- Unforgiving, relentless, resentful,vengeful
- Projected his negative feelings about life onto me
- Never got over the first time I broke up with him and held a grudge for 7 years
- Was in love with the idea of being in love
Now, this is not even the full list. What gets me is that our relationship, despite how long it went on, never progressed to have any deeper meaning than some sad teenage love story. I'm not sure I would even call it love at this point, knowing what true love is now. Friends, take it from me, true love is when you do not have to idealize someone, because they have shown you that despite not being perfect, they are perfect for you. I have gotten in the habit of scrutinizing before I make the mistake of idealizing something or someone. I'll leave you with a quote:
"It is easy to idealize someone you do not know."
