Big Girls Bury Their Feelings and Keep Themselves in the Dark, Right?

credit: http://chronicallycourtney.com/2016/10/05/hiding/

Whenever 'Big Girls Don't Cry' comes on the radio I change the station faster than my sister Divina orders ribs when we go out to eat (fast, okay? Like scary fast.) If I even hear the beginning guitar strings I feel a sudden, deep-seated, and sharp ache. God forbid I hear Fergie's voice- because that is when the memories start creeping into my consciousness,escaping from the cement block I tied around them when I threw them into the depths of the sea in my mind. I do not like to say my life has been hard, although my psychiatrist does. What I believe is that my life has been very very sad. I recognize the privileges I've had. I am still learning not to resent the hardships I have endured. But what has hurt me the most-  and bare with me here- are the times I have felt exceptionally happy. Let me explain.

 I am not saying my happy experiences hurt me the most, rather the experience of having them end, and me being nostalgic for those times, has hurt me so much that I have effectively buried most of the happy memories as well. I live in the now, because the future is too scary to think about and the past is too painful to remember. Remembering how happy you were is like slowly starving to death outside of a bakery you are not able to enter. Exceedingly cruel. I know this is not healthy, but I have been doing this for quite sometime. I am a victim of my self-induced amnesia, because it has made it hard to remember anything that has happened. I remember nothing, and yet my memories haunt me. I am constantly reminding myself not to remember, not to let myself feel anything. I know, how is it possible to 'live in the now' if I am yearning for the past? I am just as confused as you are, at times I have to ask myself: Am I living at all?

Psychology Today  lists many reasons people decide to bury their feelings. Some of the most common reasons are:

• being made to feel unworthy or worthless
• the fear that exposing our feelings would make us look weak to others--and, indeed, make us feel weak and powerless to ourselves
• the memories give you a feeling of being aggressed against, taken advantage of; betrayed
• the memories can give you the feeling of being a loser or a failure

In my experience, the problem is that buried feelings and memories do not just go away. They do not disintegrate into oblivion never to be heard from again. In fact, they tend to fester, and avoiding them probably makes it worse because they can pop up at any moment, like when a really good song comes on.

In this case, I cannot listen to 'Big Girls Don't Cry' because a few years ago I was dating this person who was really important to me. I had been in a long distance relationship with him for almost two years. The last time I visited him in Minnesota was a tumultuous time, full of emotion, teenage hormones, and more heartache than anyone can handle. Now, the Midwest is a beautiful place with nice people. However, they are way behind in music and whats up to date. So on this trip I must have heard 'Big Girls Don't Cry' every time we turned on the radio. The song is sad by itself because it is about Fergie saying goodbye to someone she used to love. It wasn't official but, I think deep down I knew this was the last time we were going to see each other. We were both going to different colleges, his parents hated me because I was not white (his sister got pregnant by a Hispanic and he left her), and we were so young and in love it was bound to end in tragedy or heartbreak. And it did. But that is a story for another time.   

In conclusions friends, do not let your sad or happy memories hold you back. Try and feel things. Do not be like me. Because those memories/ thoughts will come back up and haunt you for years after, until you suck it up and deal with them.